Who says thin isn't beautiful?

Laura Ann Burgess

I'm 20 years old. I live in Edinburgh and I think I like girls.

I suffer from depression, I was diagnosed in August 2009. I'm currently taking Sertraline although I've been on Citalopram, Fluoxetine and Mertazapine.

I am engaged to a boy called Wayne Connachan and although I love him very dearly and we live together and we're planning our life out; I feel I may be making the wrong decision. My worst fear is that if I go ahead with my current relationship and Wayne and I end up having children that our kids are going to have a father and two mummies. That's no way for any child to grow up in, hopefully in the future homophobic abuse with have ceased to exist. However, for the present I'm not sure if I could do that to my child.

I'm so very confused. Ever since I was a little girl I've always wanted children. Of course to produce a child you need both a female and male participant. If I am to choose a life of only female sexual partners then I will never physically be able to create another life form. When I was 16 I often thought about going to a sperm donor. If I was in a lesbian relationship and it was something she wanted then I would be fairly happy to go along with my original plan.

I sometimes wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm engaged to be married to a boy yet something inside me doesn't feel like it's right. Maybe he's not the one I'm meant to marry, right? Or, maybe he's not the right gender I'm supposed to be with. This is going to sound so attention seeking to make up that I'm bisexual or gay. Believe me; it's honestly not what I'm trying to do. I think I'm rediscovering myself.

Whenever I'm asked about my first kiss I always tell people that it was to a boy named Mike Smart when I was on holiday at the age of 15. That's actually not quite true, he was my first kiss with a boy but not my first kiss. In actual fact I shared my first kiss with a girl whom I'm not going to name when I was 13. She had the most gorgeous purple lips, really round and really prominent. She'll never need to wear lipstick. She was beautiful. I had just told myself that it was just a phase I was going through as I became a teenager but something inside felt right.

I've always found the same sex to be more attractive than the opposite. Whenever I'm intimate with someone or I'm doing it myself, it's always a girl I think about. It's never a boy.

I was raised to believe that homosexuality was wrong. God made us all to be heterosexual to ensure the human race would never become extinct. I mean, we all know that if the whole World was gay then no-one would reproduce. If that's what God intended; for us all to only find the opposite sex attractive then why does thinking about girls in a sexual way feel so normal?

I'm broken into so many pieces. I'm a square peg in a round hole.