I'm broken into so many pieces. I'm a square peg in a round hole.

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself."

Those words remind me so much about how I feel every day. I hate being me, I hate feeling self concious and I hate feeling alone. I don't even know how to explain it. I'm drowning in my own head.

Hello bloggers!

I know, it's been so long since I've last blogged. I do apologise; I've just been so busy lately and I've had absolutely no time by myself to actually wrote anything.

Let me fill you in on what's happened in my life since I last blogged!

I'm engaged now. Wayne popped the question on Valentine's Day. If I had my own way I'd not have proposed to someone on this specific day. It's so predictable! The ring is gorgeous though - I'll give him that.

We are currently trying for a baby. I want a baby more than anything. Only problem is, I think I want a baby more than I want to be with Wayne. We've been having problems lately. I don't know if it's because my mood has gotten worse again. I was diagnosed with depression in August 2009. Within a year I was put on three different types of anti-depressants until I saw a psychiatrist in August 2010. I was then taken off my medication until a few weeks ago. My mood had begun to deteriorate so I am now back on the happy pills. I guess that because of that I'm so unpredictable in how I feel that I've been letting the stupid things in our relationship get to me.

Wayne's home now so I'll have to blog later!

I still have nightmares, just this time, they're of horrible things - things I'm doing to people. In my dreams I put fear in people's eyes. I set them alight. Some dreams it's me who's the victim. Everything is normal and dream-like at first then things change for the worst. I'm being chased by horrible, frightening things. These things have no face but the noise they make leaves my skeleton shivering. It makes my spine crawl.

I don't know what it is, my psychiatrist says I show no sign of a mental illness. I think that's complete rubbish. Yeah, I'm not as bad as I was before but I still have periods where I'm so low suicide is all I've got.

The simplest things are beginning to irritate me seriously badly. Like my friend who swears in his every day vocabulary, it never used to bother me but now it's so annoying I want to scream at him whenever I hear the word "fucking". It's always "fucking this, fucking that, ken?" and it drives me insane. I've been living in my flat for three days now and so far it's great, I love having my own space but the thing is, I've had one night just me and my boyfriend and even that was only from 3am onwards. I don't mind having my friends over but they make so much noise especially if they're drinking. I allow people to smoke in my flat but only the living room because I don't want my bedroom to smell like cigarettes. Even I only smoke in the living room. Everyone leaves the doors open so I'm constantly having to get up and close things and in my anger I slam them.

The living room door jams because the actual door is too wide at the bottom to fit securely into the frame so you have to slam it to close it properly then it gets stuck and you have to yank it open which makes a tonne of noise in the middle of the night. Back at my parents it was fine because their house is a detached one, I have people live right above me and I wouldn't like it if they were crashing about their flat in the middle of the night keeping me awake so why should I do it to them? I don't, THEY do. I guess they're less respectful of my neighbours because that's exactly what they are - they're my neighbours; not theirs.

I was trying to watch The X-Factor on TV earlier because I like the show and I've missed every episode from the beginning this year. I got about five minutes into it and my friend started moaning because he doesn't like it. I've spent the past two days watching programmes that they want to watch, I've not and I just wanted half an hour to watch the rest of the show and he kept saying he hated it and had to go into another room if it was going to be on. I eventually got fed up, threw the remote at the table, grabbed my laptop and basically stormed off into the bedroom which is where I sit now. Wayne asked me where I was going and I basically spat out at him my reasoning. I hate when I do that - he never did anything.

I hate my mood swings, one minutes I'm fine the next I'm suicidal or raging. There's no happy medium for me. I've had myself checked for manic depression but they say I'm not so then, what the fuck am I?! I'm going to push everyone away because I can't keep my temper down. I snap at people and I scream and shout and throw things and slam doors. It's getting worse. I can take so much annoyance and then I just snap, I guess like everyone but I'm snapping at seconds. I used to have an implosive anger and now it's explosive. I nearly threw a plate earlier. I've become a psycho bitch.

Even sitting in my room listening to music I enjoy, it's making me want to get out my pyjamas and go out looking for trouble. Actually, no, I want vodka.