I miss the days when I'd wake up and be happy. I've been thinking a lot about "him" lately. I dreamt about him not last night but the night before. I kissed him in my dream. I cried about it last night. God, I miss him. Ever since him and I broke up, almost a year ago... nothing has been the same, my mood plumeted. I cry more now. Fuck, I even miss him screaming at me and him making me cry. It's better than this. Any relationship I've tried out was always a way to replace him, but no-one was ever good enough. God, he was perfect to me. Talk about a story of a teeange girl with a broken heart. I'm a prime example. The entire time I was dating Dale again I felt guilty, every second of every day. I was on Dale's mind, Dale loved me. Michael was on my mind, I loved him. It was never fair. It was selfish of me. I don't even think I love Michael any more, it's not him I miss, it's how he made me feel. Now he won't even spit in my direction. Michael was the only person I ever invisioned myself walking down the aisle toward. Ever. There were bad days too, days I’d scream myself to sleep, days he’d make me so upset I’d cut myself just to feel something less painful. I'd trade everything to have it and him back. I'm glad I deleted all memories of him. I know I'd look at them now. I can feel myself about to cry. He’s not much worse than me now though. He became an alcoholic – I would be too if I could afford it. I wish I could see him smile one more time. He made me feel complete. Even thinking his name feels like a punch to the chest. This is real heart break. I'd take all the hurt and bad things if it meant having him back. That's the complete truth because even with the bad things, when he had me screaming in agony. He was mine. He was mine. He was mine. My dreams are the only real part of him I have left, he's there in front of me. But it's just my imagination allowing me a glimse of happiness for just a few minutes. I'm a heart breaker. I really am. I crush people all because they're not him. I hate it. I hate how he's making me feel now. But Christ, I'd still lay down and die for him. Don’t you see? I’m dying now because of my own stupid FUCKING mistake.

Someone once told me "you move on fast". This is complete and utter rubbish; I don't move fast - fuck, I'm still shattered from a year ago. I've never been able to get over Michael, his image haunts me. I wake up screaming, screaming from the image of his face the last time I ever saw him. Everything reminds me of him. I heard his voice on a video his grandfather uploaded to youtube (it was a video of him). I shouldn't have watched it but I needed to hear his beautiful voice one more time. I stayed at my friend's house a couple of nights ago and fell asleep on my other friend who was also staying that night. He said I was shaking and twitching vigorously in my sleep, like I was thrashing about. He never woke me, he left me but the twitching shook me awake and I gasped, I couldn't breathe. I fell back asleep and he woke me up a short while later - he said I was screaming. I wish these nightmares would end.

Back to my first point before I got side tracked. I don't move fast, I am still shattered from a year ago but it doesn't mean I can try and get on with my life, I can give myself to someone else, I'm a wreck, a car crash. I'll never be whole but it doesn't mean I can give them every little broken piece.

Today I went out with a friend and for the first time in months I smiled a real smile and I actually enjoyed myslf. So thank you Sally, for helping me to break out this shell I've developed.

Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you and the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, picture perfect. Explains now, clearly nothing left but a memory. We only made out you, never kissed me. That's how I learned to hold back all feeling. Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm okay. It's alright, good to know that you're fine. Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes, to show that I tried. Some how you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did. And if every hole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace. And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared. So I'll forget you, I'll wash your t-shirt, kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures. Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm okay, Its alright, good to know that you're fine. Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes... This drama sat shot gun, my eyes rained like Autumn, only the glove box knows how the story goes. Now that this bandage is broken and the cuts left are open. I'll tell you just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting.

Yes, Dale left me.

I fancy a change, I'm sick of all the totally dead hair I have, it's too limp to do anything. It's been destroyed by all the bleaching I did in December.

Fuck this, I'm getting my head shaved and I'm going for a dyke spike.

I'm back at work now. It's boring and I feel like I never left. The past six months I've been off sick with depression. Being back at work, I thought might keep my mind busy. On the contrary, I can do the work, I just find it difficult to concentrate. My mind is arguing with itself. There's so many things I kick myself for never saying. Things I never did and things I did wrongly.

I miss him. I know I shouldn't, I shouldn't want anything to do with him. He humiliated me, jeopardised my job, implanted traumatic memories into my head. Memories which still awaken me throughout the night with screams of terror.

My friend Dave once told me I should forget about him, move on. He should mean nothing to me, after all he's put me through. I'm in therapy because of him. It's easily said and I know Dave's right. But still, you can't just throw three years of devotion away like it meant nothing. I fell in love with him - I still am in love with him.

Dave made me laugh today. I was telling him all about this and how I had a moment of weakness whereby I nearly called him. (I just feel so alone all the time. He used to make that better. Now we never speak. I suppose it's for the best, but I still wish it weren't so). He said "but you've only seen him once". It's true, I have only seen him in person once, I feel this is why no-one really understands me when I say he was The One. I had never felt like that ever in my life. Being with him was almost like a dream, something out of a fairytale, but it was reality. It makes me smile when I think about how happy I was just little over a year ago. It saddens me to think that there's barely any physical memories of that period of time left.

All I have left is a photo I had framed as a 19th Birthday present for him last summer. It's still in my room, hidden with the letters I've also kept. Of course I've got his jacket - he gave me it as a going home present as the sleeves are now too short for his arms, he was 6'5", a foot taller than me. I used to sleep in that jacket every night.

I've got a t-shirt I bought when his mother took us to Disney World, Florida. We both bought identical t-shirts and signed each other's. I haven't worn that t-shirt since he touched it. It still smells of his sweet, heart-stopping, beautiful scent. I wear his deodorant - (in fact, typing it to him actually taught me how to spell the word correctly).

Every night for several nights after I came home I'd fall asleep with my xbox headset on in a private chat with him, just so I could hear his voice as I was nodding off into a pleasant slumber (this was before the nightmares became a regular occurrence). The first night we tried this I awoke in the middle of the night - still getting over the jet lag - half asleep I searched around for him calling out his name once or twice. As soon as I fully awoke to find myself in my own bedroom, in my own bed, in my own house, back in Scotland, back in Europe; I burst into tears. It was just so difficult getting back into the knack of things, back to GMT, back to being alone. Leaving him in Nashville airport was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, even now. Our last kiss, last hug, the last breath I got of his scent. The last look into his perfectly blue eyes. Knowing it could be months before I saw them again. However, as it turns out, it was the last.

I'm in a perfectly normal relationship with someone else now. Don't get me wrong, I love Dale to bits, he's lovely in every sense of the word, but compared to him he's far from perfect. I hate myself for knowing I'll never love someone as much as I loved him. I feel guilty for staying in a relationship with Dale when he's all I can think about. It's unfair of me because I know Dale loves me with all his heart. I just can't seem to find the strength to love him with all my heart back.

I'm broken. I've been broken for a very long time. I'm never going to be whole again. I know that. But I an give myself, every little broken, tiny piece to him. I will do my best. But it'll never be perfect.

Earlier on in the month, I asked for some more drama in my life. I got so used to my hectic life back in December that when everything calmed down and went back to normality, it became boring. I got fed up of a normal routine.

That drama I've asked for, has returned. I was so obsessed with not having a boring life that I forgot the drama was what caused me not only to be diagnosed with severe depression, but it also caused me to be so mentally unstable I couldn't do my job and ended up being signed off sick. Today, I finally go back to work after 6 months. Yesterday, the shit hit the fans and the drama I had hoped for so badly, returned.

My whole World's been turned upside down, just like I wished for; only now, I'm kicking myself. This isn't what I want, it's like déjà vu. December's repeating itself all over again identically; which means, I know what's going to happen next and I don't like the sounds of it.