Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. I never feel alright any more. My doctor has taken me off my anti-depressants, she says I should just get councilling instead as it will be more "beneficial". In a way I'm glad as I don't want a fake happiness brought on by drugs. If I'm to feel happy I want it to be my brain fixing the chemical imbalance itself not some pill making counterfeit emotions. I just want to be normal again. I'm sick of this depression pulling me down. I'm scared to show anyone exactly how I'm feeling especially Wayne. Don't get me wrong, I love Wayne. I know I'm always saying I'm in love and everyone must be sick of hearing about it but even if this isn't love, I like the feeling. When I'm with Wayne I feel secure, I feel safe and I no longer feel alone. Back to my original point. My depression is getting worse. I'm slowly sinking deeper and deeper. Sure, I can laugh and enjoy being out but it doesn't last very long. I thrive off making people laugh. It's a little glimpse of what I've been missing for so long. I keep getting diagnosed by my friends and people I know. Telling me I've got this that, and the next thing. I'm tired of being called a hypochondriac. I get sad sometimes and it comes and goes. My mood swings more than a teenager going through puberty. Some minutes I'm up, the next I'm down. They can last for a period of several hours at a time but they change from one opposite the the other instantly. One minute I'll feel happy, the next I'll be angry, the next I'll be suicidal. There's nothing in the middle. Just the extremes. I know I'm not bipolar because I've been tested. I've been told I'm autistic, that I'm bipolar, that I have manic depression. Hell, I've even been told I'm schizophrenic. Fuck that shit.
I'm sick of taking medication. I'm sick of my emotions coming from fucking pills. I've stopped everything. I'm doing it all naturally. I'm suffering because my depression's going out of control. My mood swings are uncontrollable but I'm hoping the real emotions will come flooding through. I want my brain to conjure up emptions like everyone else's. I want to feel normal. Right now I feel like a medicated zombie. I can't feel anything, everything is superficial and I want it to stop. Now.
I hate Wayne seeing me the way I am just now. He's suffered it too though, everyone in his family has. For him it's hereditary but for me. I'm the only one in my family to have ever been diagnosed. Does that mean there's something wrong with me?
