Who says thin isn't beautiful?

Laura Ann Burgess

I'm 20 years old. I live in Edinburgh and I think I like girls.

I suffer from depression, I was diagnosed in August 2009. I'm currently taking Sertraline although I've been on Citalopram, Fluoxetine and Mertazapine.

I am engaged to a boy called Wayne Connachan and although I love him very dearly and we live together and we're planning our life out; I feel I may be making the wrong decision. My worst fear is that if I go ahead with my current relationship and Wayne and I end up having children that our kids are going to have a father and two mummies. That's no way for any child to grow up in, hopefully in the future homophobic abuse with have ceased to exist. However, for the present I'm not sure if I could do that to my child.

I'm so very confused. Ever since I was a little girl I've always wanted children. Of course to produce a child you need both a female and male participant. If I am to choose a life of only female sexual partners then I will never physically be able to create another life form. When I was 16 I often thought about going to a sperm donor. If I was in a lesbian relationship and it was something she wanted then I would be fairly happy to go along with my original plan.

I sometimes wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm engaged to be married to a boy yet something inside me doesn't feel like it's right. Maybe he's not the one I'm meant to marry, right? Or, maybe he's not the right gender I'm supposed to be with. This is going to sound so attention seeking to make up that I'm bisexual or gay. Believe me; it's honestly not what I'm trying to do. I think I'm rediscovering myself.

Whenever I'm asked about my first kiss I always tell people that it was to a boy named Mike Smart when I was on holiday at the age of 15. That's actually not quite true, he was my first kiss with a boy but not my first kiss. In actual fact I shared my first kiss with a girl whom I'm not going to name when I was 13. She had the most gorgeous purple lips, really round and really prominent. She'll never need to wear lipstick. She was beautiful. I had just told myself that it was just a phase I was going through as I became a teenager but something inside felt right.

I've always found the same sex to be more attractive than the opposite. Whenever I'm intimate with someone or I'm doing it myself, it's always a girl I think about. It's never a boy.

I was raised to believe that homosexuality was wrong. God made us all to be heterosexual to ensure the human race would never become extinct. I mean, we all know that if the whole World was gay then no-one would reproduce. If that's what God intended; for us all to only find the opposite sex attractive then why does thinking about girls in a sexual way feel so normal?

I'm broken into so many pieces. I'm a square peg in a round hole.

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself."

Those words remind me so much about how I feel every day. I hate being me, I hate feeling self concious and I hate feeling alone. I don't even know how to explain it. I'm drowning in my own head.

Hello bloggers!

I know, it's been so long since I've last blogged. I do apologise; I've just been so busy lately and I've had absolutely no time by myself to actually wrote anything.

Let me fill you in on what's happened in my life since I last blogged!

I'm engaged now. Wayne popped the question on Valentine's Day. If I had my own way I'd not have proposed to someone on this specific day. It's so predictable! The ring is gorgeous though - I'll give him that.

We are currently trying for a baby. I want a baby more than anything. Only problem is, I think I want a baby more than I want to be with Wayne. We've been having problems lately. I don't know if it's because my mood has gotten worse again. I was diagnosed with depression in August 2009. Within a year I was put on three different types of anti-depressants until I saw a psychiatrist in August 2010. I was then taken off my medication until a few weeks ago. My mood had begun to deteriorate so I am now back on the happy pills. I guess that because of that I'm so unpredictable in how I feel that I've been letting the stupid things in our relationship get to me.

Wayne's home now so I'll have to blog later!