I miss the days when I'd wake up and be happy. I've been thinking a lot about "him" lately. I dreamt about him not last night but the night before. I kissed him in my dream. I cried about it last night. God, I miss him. Ever since him and I broke up, almost a year ago... nothing has been the same, my mood plumeted. I cry more now. Fuck, I even miss him screaming at me and him making me cry. It's better than this. Any relationship I've tried out was always a way to replace him, but no-one was ever good enough. God, he was perfect to me. Talk about a story of a teeange girl with a broken heart. I'm a prime example. The entire time I was dating Dale again I felt guilty, every second of every day. I was on Dale's mind, Dale loved me. Michael was on my mind, I loved him. It was never fair. It was selfish of me. I don't even think I love Michael any more, it's not him I miss, it's how he made me feel. Now he won't even spit in my direction. Michael was the only person I ever invisioned myself walking down the aisle toward. Ever. There were bad days too, days I’d scream myself to sleep, days he’d make me so upset I’d cut myself just to feel something less painful. I'd trade everything to have it and him back. I'm glad I deleted all memories of him. I know I'd look at them now. I can feel myself about to cry. He’s not much worse than me now though. He became an alcoholic – I would be too if I could afford it. I wish I could see him smile one more time. He made me feel complete. Even thinking his name feels like a punch to the chest. This is real heart break. I'd take all the hurt and bad things if it meant having him back. That's the complete truth because even with the bad things, when he had me screaming in agony. He was mine. He was mine. He was mine. My dreams are the only real part of him I have left, he's there in front of me. But it's just my imagination allowing me a glimse of happiness for just a few minutes. I'm a heart breaker. I really am. I crush people all because they're not him. I hate it. I hate how he's making me feel now. But Christ, I'd still lay down and die for him. Don’t you see? I’m dying now because of my own stupid FUCKING mistake.

Someone once told me "you move on fast". This is complete and utter rubbish; I don't move fast - fuck, I'm still shattered from a year ago. I've never been able to get over Michael, his image haunts me. I wake up screaming, screaming from the image of his face the last time I ever saw him. Everything reminds me of him. I heard his voice on a video his grandfather uploaded to youtube (it was a video of him). I shouldn't have watched it but I needed to hear his beautiful voice one more time. I stayed at my friend's house a couple of nights ago and fell asleep on my other friend who was also staying that night. He said I was shaking and twitching vigorously in my sleep, like I was thrashing about. He never woke me, he left me but the twitching shook me awake and I gasped, I couldn't breathe. I fell back asleep and he woke me up a short while later - he said I was screaming. I wish these nightmares would end.

Back to my first point before I got side tracked. I don't move fast, I am still shattered from a year ago but it doesn't mean I can try and get on with my life, I can give myself to someone else, I'm a wreck, a car crash. I'll never be whole but it doesn't mean I can give them every little broken piece.

Today I went out with a friend and for the first time in months I smiled a real smile and I actually enjoyed myslf. So thank you Sally, for helping me to break out this shell I've developed.

Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you and the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, picture perfect. Explains now, clearly nothing left but a memory. We only made out you, never kissed me. That's how I learned to hold back all feeling. Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm okay. It's alright, good to know that you're fine. Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes, to show that I tried. Some how you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did. And if every hole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace. And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared. So I'll forget you, I'll wash your t-shirt, kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures. Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm okay, Its alright, good to know that you're fine. Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes... This drama sat shot gun, my eyes rained like Autumn, only the glove box knows how the story goes. Now that this bandage is broken and the cuts left are open. I'll tell you just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting.

Yes, Dale left me.