Someone once told me "you move on fast". This is complete and utter rubbish; I don't move fast - fuck, I'm still shattered from a year ago. I've never been able to get over Michael, his image haunts me. I wake up screaming, screaming from the image of his face the last time I ever saw him. Everything reminds me of him. I heard his voice on a video his grandfather uploaded to youtube (it was a video of him). I shouldn't have watched it but I needed to hear his beautiful voice one more time. I stayed at my friend's house a couple of nights ago and fell asleep on my other friend who was also staying that night. He said I was shaking and twitching vigorously in my sleep, like I was thrashing about. He never woke me, he left me but the twitching shook me awake and I gasped, I couldn't breathe. I fell back asleep and he woke me up a short while later - he said I was screaming. I wish these nightmares would end.

Back to my first point before I got side tracked. I don't move fast, I am still shattered from a year ago but it doesn't mean I can try and get on with my life, I can give myself to someone else, I'm a wreck, a car crash. I'll never be whole but it doesn't mean I can give them every little broken piece.