I miss the days when I'd wake up and be happy. I've been thinking a lot about "him" lately. I dreamt about him not last night but the night before. I kissed him in my dream. I cried about it last night. God, I miss him. Ever since him and I broke up, almost a year ago... nothing has been the same, my mood plumeted. I cry more now. Fuck, I even miss him screaming at me and him making me cry. It's better than this. Any relationship I've tried out was always a way to replace him, but no-one was ever good enough. God, he was perfect to me. Talk about a story of a teeange girl with a broken heart. I'm a prime example. The entire time I was dating Dale again I felt guilty, every second of every day. I was on Dale's mind, Dale loved me. Michael was on my mind, I loved him. It was never fair. It was selfish of me. I don't even think I love Michael any more, it's not him I miss, it's how he made me feel. Now he won't even spit in my direction. Michael was the only person I ever invisioned myself walking down the aisle toward. Ever. There were bad days too, days I’d scream myself to sleep, days he’d make me so upset I’d cut myself just to feel something less painful. I'd trade everything to have it and him back. I'm glad I deleted all memories of him. I know I'd look at them now. I can feel myself about to cry. He’s not much worse than me now though. He became an alcoholic – I would be too if I could afford it. I wish I could see him smile one more time. He made me feel complete. Even thinking his name feels like a punch to the chest. This is real heart break. I'd take all the hurt and bad things if it meant having him back. That's the complete truth because even with the bad things, when he had me screaming in agony. He was mine. He was mine. He was mine. My dreams are the only real part of him I have left, he's there in front of me. But it's just my imagination allowing me a glimse of happiness for just a few minutes. I'm a heart breaker. I really am. I crush people all because they're not him. I hate it. I hate how he's making me feel now. But Christ, I'd still lay down and die for him. Don’t you see? I’m dying now because of my own stupid FUCKING mistake.